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Went out with my best Madison friend and my coworker and my coworker's wife. They thought I was pretty (my coworker and his wife; my best friend is veryvery straight). This was nice because I got very drunk (still am, really; you have no idea how many typos I'm correcting as I type this; thank God for Firefox spellchecking as I go) and I'm kind of having trouble sitting up straight, but that's okay. I meant to do things this Spring Break; I wanted to reread Moby Dick and finish this book on peasant uprisings in Tokugawa Japan and respond to feedback and write feedback to stories I've adored, and instead all I've done is worked and slept and gotten drunk tonight.
Paragraph breaks are good. And I've been putting off writing this guy who used to be a customer at my store, but I really like him, and I'm going to see him this summer when I go to visit my brother in Taiwan. It's hard to know what to say to him though; I feel that I was never properly socialized, and he's kind of awesome. He's a social and environmental engineer, and really nice, and he thinks I'm nice, and I don't want him to think otherwise, which means that it's hard to talk to him, even though not-talking to him is a bad idea. It probably won't go anywhere, anyway. We're from totally different cultures (he's Japanese), and we live in different countries, and I feel like he expects more from me than I can give. Because he wants me to be smart and hardworking, and all I want to do is learn Japanese and maybe Korean and read interesting books and write slash, which aren't exactly impressive accomplishments.
And I want to study history, as well, but I feel like such a fraud in comparison to the other people in grad school. They're all so smart and dedicated and adult, and I'm such a flake, and I can't even keep on top of my hobbies, let alone real life. This post is getting depressing. And my best Madison friend wants to delete her livejournal, even though I like reading it sometimes, because she wants to just forget about that part of her life. And now I'm devolving into sheer self-centeredness. Is that a word? I think I really am very selfish, after all. I want a good conclusion to this post, but all that's coming to mind as aphorisms from Little Women and things like "Nobuta wo Produce is awesome. Write Shuuji/Shittaka for me," (not really. I can write it myself. I mean, if someone wanted to write the pairing, that would be phenomenal, but it's not like I'm expecting it, especially when phrased as part of a drunken ramble) so I think I'm just going to go and listen to more Backstreet Boys. Who are totally awesome. Especially "Downpour," which is my new favorite song. Well, that and "愛なんて," which I've listened to a hundred-some times. More meaningful content tomorrow; love you all.
Paragraph breaks are good. And I've been putting off writing this guy who used to be a customer at my store, but I really like him, and I'm going to see him this summer when I go to visit my brother in Taiwan. It's hard to know what to say to him though; I feel that I was never properly socialized, and he's kind of awesome. He's a social and environmental engineer, and really nice, and he thinks I'm nice, and I don't want him to think otherwise, which means that it's hard to talk to him, even though not-talking to him is a bad idea. It probably won't go anywhere, anyway. We're from totally different cultures (he's Japanese), and we live in different countries, and I feel like he expects more from me than I can give. Because he wants me to be smart and hardworking, and all I want to do is learn Japanese and maybe Korean and read interesting books and write slash, which aren't exactly impressive accomplishments.
And I want to study history, as well, but I feel like such a fraud in comparison to the other people in grad school. They're all so smart and dedicated and adult, and I'm such a flake, and I can't even keep on top of my hobbies, let alone real life. This post is getting depressing. And my best Madison friend wants to delete her livejournal, even though I like reading it sometimes, because she wants to just forget about that part of her life. And now I'm devolving into sheer self-centeredness. Is that a word? I think I really am very selfish, after all. I want a good conclusion to this post, but all that's coming to mind as aphorisms from Little Women and things like "Nobuta wo Produce is awesome. Write Shuuji/Shittaka for me," (not really. I can write it myself. I mean, if someone wanted to write the pairing, that would be phenomenal, but it's not like I'm expecting it, especially when phrased as part of a drunken ramble) so I think I'm just going to go and listen to more Backstreet Boys. Who are totally awesome. Especially "Downpour," which is my new favorite song. Well, that and "愛なんて," which I've listened to a hundred-some times. More meaningful content tomorrow; love you all.
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Yours is the most coherent drunk post I've ever read
Paragraph breaks are awesome. I'm all for them.
I think it's actually a fairly normal, adult thing to feel like a fraud in comparison to the people around you, especially when those people seem intelligent and on top of things. You're pretty damned smart, though - that much is evident just from the way you write things on LJ. Selfishness is just the human condition and I don't see anything wrong with a healthy dose of it, to be honest.
Backstreet Boys are awesome. I agree completely.
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hi hi hi
you might like two of the people on my friends list.
http://ocha-no-hanashi.livejournal.com/profile
is a big time language geek, planning on heading to taiwan or japan soon...
and
http://woongsae.livejournal.com/profile
just got back from teaching english in korea...
only one other thing to say...backstreet boys? OMG u is not serious...
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I think the Shuuji/Shittaka thing is just me being strange, because you're right, there really isn't anything shippy in their interaction. But I do like the idea of them together, both for rather shallow reasons and because Shittaka's an interesting character: he's a lot less conformist than Shuuji is--the bit where he was willing to date Nobuta despite the rumors circulating the school was surprising yet very nice--but he looks up to Shuuji, as well. It seems that they could have things to learn from each other, which I find incredibly appealing in a pairing.
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And don't doubt yourself - every grad student, no matter how awesome, feels like a fraud. It's just the nature of the game.
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Livejournal and I both still love you, we just can't stay together anymore.
I do have actual reasons; this isn't (or isn't wholly) a rejection of my past. I would be happy to tell you about these in an email if you wanted to hear.
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Anyways, this post is really wonderfully coherent, so thank God for spellcheck?
I would totally write you Shuuji/Shittaka, even though I've never thought of it before, to be honest.
Also, it's okay to feel like a fraud, because I really doubt you are. I mean, obviously I don't know you very well, but from what I've seen, you're just as intelligent as them. Besides, look on the bright side: most likely, that bespectacled redhead in your history class goes home on weekends and writes really shitty Harry/Draco slash. :) ♥!
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A) you are relentlessly self-analytical, which is a hallmark of a superior writer. And,
B) you are not afraid of self-disclosure, which is another hallmark.
Someday, I imagine I'll read your 72-months-on-the-bestseller-list novel (full of lovely boys doing lovely things to each other in lovely ways) and think: "Hmmm. This sounds like Jain. I wouldn't be at all surprised."
So keep with the fic!! Keep your storytelling voice active, otherwise you'll be able to write nothing but 'graduate-ese.'
I know that, by now, you're probably feeling okay. But the next time you start feeling bad about yourself, just think of the total strangers who commented on this one journal entry, okay? We're rooting for you!
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And thanks very much for the encouragement. It's really good to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way.
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Ah, I'm completely the same way. If all I wanted was to read fic, then I'd just join communities, rather than friending...um, 294 people. (And suddenly the reason that I never have any free time becomes a lot clearer. Well, that and the grad school thing, which is slowly eating my soul.)
I think that Shuuji and Shittaka would be wonderful together; they have hidden depths, though Shuuji tries hard to conceal that fact and Shittaka's so pinch-his-cheeks adorable that it comes as a surprise when he ends up being more than that. If you do get a story idea involving the two of them, you should definitely go for it (she says self-interestedly). I think you'd do a great job with the two of them.
And thank you so much for the encouraging words. I really appreciate hearing them.
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I don't see myself writing novels in the future, honestly, though I'd love to publish non-fiction. Books on the history of Asian immigration to the American West don't tend to end up on the bestseller list, alas, but it would still be incredible if I could write a couple.
I'll definitely keep up with the fic, though. I get far too much from the community and from fanfiction itself to abandon it. Thanks again!
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And coming from a (almost) total outsider, you seem like a committed, intelligent and entertaining person. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Next time we take a trip out like that, Nick's driving.